Thinking about negotiation as a way of cultivating a connection runs counter to the more common “what’re you into?” conversation where one just starts to list off their interests in a way that can be so impersonal. The more that we trust that our needs will be met and our boundaries will be respected, the more that we’re likely to be able to relax into the intimacy of the play space and deeply enjoy it. Do they have the kind of attitudes and perspectives that make you feel comfortable with them? Do they check in with you on what feels good for you? Honest, empowered negotiation starts with a sense of connection & trust in the other person, regardless of which side of the action you want to be on (or whether you even want to limit yourself to a single role). Negotiate A Connectionįirst, I invite you to consider that negotiation starts the moment that you start thinking about how you and your potential partner might want to connect. The style of negotiation that relies on comprehensive tests taken and exchanged ahead of time, or approaches it checklist-style, may be an option for some - but it definitely misses the boat, and can in fact cause some bad assumptions to arise that end up making a date not so great.īut there’s hope! In between those two unhealthy (and unrealistic, in the case of magical knowing), polar opposites exists a glorious world where negotiation can not only help us avoid negative outcomes, but also make those mind-blowing experiences happen more consistently in our lives. It can definitely be unsexy, especially if you’re dealing with it in a clinical way, or if you were always taught that you should negotiate kink or sex as if you’re trying to figure out a pizza order for a group of 20. It can feel like an interruption in the flow: having to stop in the middle of a hot flirtation session to try to turn your rational brain back on and do some logic problems when all you want to do is Get It On.Īnd you know what? Yeah. For kinksters, this includes communicating your needs, wants, and boundaries to a potential partner in order to create a mutually pleasurable scene (A scene, if you’re not familiar with kink jargon, is a term used for session & activities you plan to do together).īut for lots of novice kinky folks (as well as for some more experienced ones), the idea of scene negotiation can feel really unsexy.

In fact, one of the first things that you’ll see BDSM educators (and sexuality educators of all kinds) talk about is the importance of negotiation. This isn’t only bad news for new connections it builds into ongoing relationships the idea that if our partner really loves us (or even just knows us well enough), they’ll be able to intuit what we want without us having to say a word.īecause what we do often involves physical or emotional risks, folks who participate in BDSM or kinky play preach against magical knowing. It permeates our culture think about all of the movies where the protagonist says no but their (more dominant) partner somehow knows that they really mean yes, or the books where a first erotic encounter with a new person is filled with fireworks and mutual orgasms (yes, Harlequin Romance, I’m looking at you). In our culture, many of us have this fantasy - let’s call it “magical knowing” - that if our partner is really into us, they will magically be able to automatically know what we need, and what feels good for us, without us having to say it.

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